Game design decisions that piss me off.

Ever been playing a game, even a really good game, and you suddenly--or gradually perhaps--discover something that just annoys you really badly? I've had that experience a few times and I'm sure I'm not alone. Without further ado...

1.) Sandbox, or This Shit is Getting Old

Ladies Man

Pro-tip: If you're going to make your game non-linear, you better give players something extra to do that's at least moderately entertaining or immersive. Don't just say "WELL, THEY CAN DRIVE THEIR CAR ANYWHERE THEY WANT. YEAH! SHIP THIS SHIT!" and let that be the end of it. There has to be something interesting to do. This is a big reason I didn't love Grand Theft Auto IV when everyone else seemed to have a raging boner for it. The story segments of the game were really fun and I enjoyed watching the narrative unfold. However, I didn't enjoy a nagging fucking girl that wanted to go out with me all the time. It was the same pattern: pick up girl, drive to date, go home, maybe get laid. Great. I can tell all my friends that I got Niko Bellic some ass in GTAIV. Can we please get back to the story? The intrigue? The suspense? The plot twists? Sandbox games can be really fun if the secondary content is compelling. However, if its not... then I just find myself bored. How many times can you go on a crazy rampage in Liberty City and be entertained? It's finite, for me.

2.) Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with Guns (Do not try this at home)

This is one thing that pisses me off about Mass Effect (and other action RPG games). In Deus Ex, I can increase my skill and add modifications to my pistol and make it a very powerful weapon, easier more powerful than a typical assault rifle. I do this because I like handguns and I enjoy using them when I have the option. Plus, ammunition is typical very plentiful. However, games sometimes say "handguns suck, buy a rifle and deal with it." In a game that supposedly offers players freedom of choice, this is especially egregious. Give me a choice and not "M16 beats 9mm and Sniper Rifle beats M16" bullshit. If I want to kill the final boss with a fucking pea shooter make it possible, if not more difficult. Otherwise don't persist in the illusion of open-ended gameplay. Note: this only applies to games like the previously mentioned Mass Effect, Deus Ex, and others like Fallout 3. If your aim is to give players freedom in selecting and managing their equipment (which all of the mentioned games do), go all out and give them a personally tailored experience.

3.) Adding "depth" by including a pointless mini-game(s)

Zidane has made a startling revelation!

Sometimes developers try to add some supposed "depth" to the game by including a mini-game. I think the best example of how to do this best is Final Fantasy VIII's card game, Triple Triad. You collect cards throughout the game and can challenge NPC's to a match anytime. It's a neat little game where you place cards on a 3x3 grid. The object is to capture opponents cards and defend your own. The cards have strength values and some have elements that make them more effective against other elements. The cards you get can later be transformed into helpful items like "Holy War" which makes your party absolutely invincible for a time. However, when Final Fantasy IX tried the card game mechanic, they got it all wrong. There are no rewards whatsoever for playing the game. None. Zip. Nada. It's the same placing cards on a 3x3 grid with each having unique strengths and weaknesses, but the card values are confusing. Instead of simple numerical values, there's letters and number combinations. The game also doesn't fully explain what the hell they mean. Why do this? Ugh. Better question: why include it if it doesn't matter? It's not more entertaining that the main game by any stretch of the imagination. At least with the system from FFVIII I can later benefit from the mini-game by getting really good items.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Sarah Palin & Dessert, or Let Them Eat Cake

Sarah Palin wants the government to stay the hell out of our business. Especially when it comes to nutrition. On her TV program, a strange reality type program, she took a shot at Michelle Obama’s efforts to curb childhood obesity by saying something to the effect of “Michelle Obama doesn’t think you should have dessert”. First of all, that is factually inaccurate. She said children shouldn’t have dessert with every meal. That’s an important distinction. Secondly, her arguments for why the government shouldn’t be in charge with nutrition are a little odd.

GIMME SOME CAKE!!!!!!!

The idea I hear espoused all the time is LET THE PARENTS DECIDE what their children eat. That sounds good when you say it, I’ll concede that. A big helpin’ of American freedom; covered in bacon and cheese, no doubt. However, how would that be implemented? No one has yet to give us their plan... at least I haven’t heard any plan put forward. How would parents do this? From their iPhones? I know when I was in school, my parents sometimes, though rarely, decided what I ate for the day by forgetting to give me any money for food. But wait, aren’t these parents the ones stuffing their children with food and allowing them to sit in front of the TV all day anyway? It’s certainly not the schools. It’s almost impossible to overeat in a school lunch room. Theoretically, you COULD spend all your money and buy 10 bags of chips, flushing it all down with five Mountain Dews everyday if you felt so inclined. I’m not sure who would actually do that, though. If these people are fattening up their children like livestock in the first place why would they be the the best people to consult about what their children eat at school?

This seems to me another paranoid attempt by the right to portray the government as some sort of invader of your personal freedoms. Let me temper that by saying that I do believe the government sometimes DOES invade our personal freedoms: the PATRIOT act, the TSA crotch grabbing scandal, and, of course, the ever-growing fight on Net Neutrality, copyright issues, etc. There’s a difference between REAL government overreach and paranoid, Glenn Beck-style government overreach. Here’s how you tell the difference: if anyone disparages the government and, at any point, calls our current President a socialist or a “commie”, odds are they don’t have much useful to add to the debate.

More Apple Fail!

Who needs misteltoe? Who needs a competent web designer? :p

iTunes: A quick guide.

Welcome to iTunes. Best media player ever!

"iTunes is a free application for your Mac or PC. It organizes and plays your digital music and video on your computer. It keeps all your content in sync. And it’s a store on your computer, iPod touch, iPhone, iPad, and Apple TV that has everything you need to be entertained. Anywhere. Anytime."

It's so good that it's currently on version 10... and it STILL HASN'T ADDED ANY FORM OF MEDIA MONITORING. Let me give you an example:

Let's say I get a spat of OCD one day after watching Monk and I decide I want to organize my music folder. I added a bunch of mp3 files to iTunes when I started using the application that I had already ripped onto my computer. So I move files around and organize them by artist, album, etc. I go back to iTunes and play a song...

Whoops! It seems that iTunes is fucking retarded and needs to know exactly where every media file is located. It can't track certain folders automatically and reflect any changes I make to my media library manually. Nope. Why do that?

OK, open Windows Media Player. Play a song. Then, go to your music folder and move it to some other location. Drop it on the desktop, whatever. Now, hit F3 (or go to File, Add to Library). You get this:

What a novel concept. If you add the Desktop to a monitored location then any media stored on the Desktop will be updated automatically to reflect changes.

To my knowledge, this feature has been around definitely since at least four or five years ago, when I first started actively keeping a music library. iTunes was probably in version 7 or so then. Why haven't they implemented a media tracking feature in their media playing application yet? Because they don't want to copy Microsoft?

Zune Social: Launch date: November 2007
iTunes Ping: Launch date: September 1, 2010

Well never mind. That can't be it.

Let me show you another reason why iTunes is so awesome.

I added The Gallery into iTunes and it looked like this. For some reason, it seems to think that Dark Tranquility released the album three times and twice with only one track.

I added The Gallery into Windows Media Player and it looks like this:

Hey, look! One album. That's how I remembered it.

In closing, use iTunes as little as possible. It's a child. It always wants its way and gets mad at you if you don't listen to it.

No.

Combating Terrorism

Counter-Strike in real life

Since 9/11, a lot has been done to fight "the terrorists": more security at airports, the PATRIOT act, freedom fries, and--of course--the "War on Terror".

I bring this up because just the other day I had a thought. An experience in high school that I had forgotten about. I discovered in my junior year of high school why this whole "War on Terror" will likely bring about no real victory.

In 2005, I had two computer classes back to back: Programming I and Applications II. In those classes, I killed boredom by browsing Wikipedia, posting on web forums, editing images, and an occasional flash game (White Room was one of my favorites) after I had completed my work. Most everyone else played flash games and browsed the web while they were doing their work... and, sure enough, one by one the flash game sites fell to IP blocks. MySpace soon followed (remember, this was 2005).

Necessity breeds invention. It also breeds intuition. Soon, students discovered web proxies that allowed them to bypass these IP blocks and get to the content they wanted to access. We had won.

Not quite. Soon, the network administrators began blocking web proxies. When one went down, the students found another. However, it was useless. As soon as the traffic got heavy enough, the banhammer fell. This wasn't a problem for me, though. I could do without the flash games and MySpace when I was at school. I was content with my forum and my Wikipedia.

The US Government has taken the same type of reaction to the terrorist threat against this country. As George Carlin reflects in his tirade on airport security on the album "You Are All Diseased" (Video), in the pre-9/11 world, you could carry box cutters on a plane. No problem. That changed quickly. Airport security has become reactionary. The terrorists started using non-metallic bombs and the TSA started subjecting people to their infamous "pat-downs". The fact of the matter is, if someone wants to get a weapon on a plane, they'll find a way to do it. They'll find a new weapon that the TSA isn't ready for. They always have and they always will. They're probably working on pocket blaster pistols right now. (Joke. We're years away from Star Wars.)

The best way to fight "terrorism" is at an information level. Espionage. We need more James Bond types. Stopping plots before they come to fruition is the best--and probably only--way to prevent terror attacks. You can't do it at the airport. If they get to the airports, we have failed. Every now and then you'll hear about a foiled terror plot on the news. That's a real success. The aggressive measures taken by the TSA are not only an attack on your liberties (See Fourth Amendment), but totally unnecessary. The people who suffer from these limitations and arbitrary encroachments on personal freedom are the citizens.

Eventually, the forum that two of my friends and myself were active on got blocked by the school network. We were in no way violating the class rules and we always made sure to complete all of our work before we accessed the site. We also made sure to not use any foul language so we wouldn't trigger any profanity filters. I even remember Wikipedia being blocked for a few days because of traffic. So you know what we did? We went elsewhere. Somewhere the content restrictions hadn't touched yet. We're a resourceful race and it's the reason we dominate this planet. We made the system. It's naive to think that we can't get around it.

Best Android Apps

Many who have used the Android Marketplace know that it's sometimes a little difficult to find things. Especially if they're not very popular or well-known. With Amazon's plans to launch their own Android app store, it's an almost certainty that the Android Market will see a revision soon. However, until then, here's some of my favorite apps that I've discovered during the past year.

Tajm

A simple clock widget that displays the current time in text strings instead of numeric values. That's really all there is to it. You can change the color and what information is displayed. It's pretty cool.

LauncherPro

"Launcher" is an easier way to say user interface (well, actually UI is...) The stock Android launcher gets the job done, for sure. Other companies have also created their own launchers, like HTC's SenseUI. However, some people want more out of their phone. For those people, I'd highly recommend LauncherPro. It provides new icons, customization options, and very well designed built-in widgets. You get all the basics for free; but if you want the widgets and increased customization, you can pay $2.99 to the developer to unlock the extra features. Why can't you do this through the Marketplace? Well, the developer lives in a country where you can't charge for apps. Payment is handled through Paypal. It's well worth it! (link to LP website)

Handcent SMS

A SMS client with robust customization. You can modify almost everything about how you read and reply to text messages. For example, you can choose colors for the message bubbles, adjust the size of the font, customize notifications (different icons on the status bar for different people), and even set a custom background to display the conversation on. The developer also offers themes if you register on their website. I currently have a space theme with planet Earth and blue/black message bubbles. Looks great. Also, it's all free. (website)

Music PlayerPro

Despite the pretty banal name, nothing is banal about this app. Once again, you have to pay for it (though a trial period is available), but it's hands down the best music player I've found on Android. It automatically downloads missing artwork and photos of bands and musicians for the artist view. To give you an idea of how awesome this is, I had a Street Fighter II song in my music library that wasn't labeled. From the application, you can edit title, album, artist, etc. I put "Capcom" as the artist and, almost immediately, a Capcom logo was displayed for the artist view. For those who are ADD about their music libraries, this is really cool. You can also customize the way the player itself looks with skins that come with the app and it has a huge options menu that you can tweak to your liking. Only complaint I have about the app is that sometimes you have to manually refresh the "mediastore", which is basically your library of music, after you add new songs. Very minor complaint. Very. Link!

twicca

My Twitter client of choice is twicca. A crisp, clean UI is one of the main draws for me. Simply selecting a tweet gives you the option to reply, quote and reply, retweet, go to the user's profile, follow any links posted with the tweet or hash tags (#likethis), favorite, and manage the user (lists, etc.) It also seems to refresh and load tweets faster than the official Twitter app and TweetDeck. It makes being a Twittard easy. Also, the option to color-code different people you follow is a nice touch. Completely free, btw. Linkage


DroidIris

I love Cooliris. Cooliris is a browser extension (available for IE, Firefox, Chrome, Safari, and more) that turns a simple photo search into an interactive experience. Using whatever search engine your prefer, it grabs all the images that come up and displays them in lines that you can use your mouse to slide and zoom through. DroidIris is essentially a mobile version of Cooliris. The touch controls work just as you'd expect them to: drag to see more images, pinch to zoom, tap to select. It's just awesome. You'll feel like you're in Minority Report, flinging pictures all over a screen like Tom Cruise. Link-tastic

That's all for now. I'll post more interesting apps as I find them. Hope you enjoyed. :D

The State vs. Video Games!

USA Today's cover story (today, full text here) was concerning the continuing violent video game drama in California. You should probably read it before going any further.

You're going to let this guy in a courtroom?

The most troubling part of the article is the way the accusers (primarily the contested bills author Sen. Leland Yee, D.) exaggerate the violence in video games. They do this by citing Postal 2 as their chief example... Yeah, we're going there. In the entire article the ONLY video game mentioned by Leland Yee's camp is, in fact, Postal 2. The Postal series is not representative of the state of violence in gaming. The Postal series is a joke. It's a sideshow. It's got a level of respectable (and sometimes brilliant) satire, true. However, that's obviously not the focal point of the experience. People who decry Postal and the violence in video games are missing the point. They call this technique selection bias.

Digging deeper into the article, something else disturbing reveals itself. The anti-video game crowd attempts to bolster their claims with statistics. Of course, I found no mention of the specific studies in the article. However, the online version (the one I linked to earlier, I read the print version) contained a link to one such study. If you read the first two paragraphs and set it down, you may agree with Senator Yee. However, if you read the entire article, it's likely that you won't be convinced. Here's the first two brief paragraphs in their entirety:

A new review of 130 studies "strongly suggests" playing violent video games increases aggressive thoughts and behavior and decreases empathy.

The results hold "regardless of research design, gender, age or culture," says lead researcher Craig Anderson, who directs the Center for the Study of Violence at Iowa State University in Ames. (link here)

Sounds compelling, yes? Well continue reading the article and you get this:

But Christopher Ferguson, an associate professor at Texas A&M International University in Laredo, says in a critique accompanying the study that the effects found "are generally very low." He adds that the analysis "contains numerous flaws," which he says result in "overestimating the influence" of violent games on aggression.

Ferguson says his own study of 603 predominantly Hispanic young people, published last year in The Journal of Pediatrics, found "delinquent peer influences, antisocial personality traits, depression, and parents/guardians who use psychological abuse" were consistent risk factors for youth violence and aggression. But he also found that neighborhood quality, parents' domestic violence and exposure to violent TV or video games "were not predictive of youth violence and aggression."

That's the best they got? Flawed methodology? Weak correlations that may not ever exist? That is all these anti-video game violence movement has always had. They've always been flying in the face of science and reason. Ever since Mortal Kombat... the game that, supposedly, stole away the innocence of so many victimized children. Now, the study did contain a cultural bias, note the words "predominately Hispanic". I'm not convinced that it in any way affected its integrity

And even the statistics that "strongly" support video game violence leading to aggression turn out to be... well... not so strong after all:

Anderson says his team "never said it's a huge effect. But if you look at known risk factors for the development of aggression and violence, some are bigger than media violence and some are smaller...

Smaller than say "delinquent peer influences, antisocial personality traits, depression, and parents/guardians who use psychological abuse" as noted by Ferguson earlier in the article? Yeah.

"...If you have a child with no other risk factors for aggression and violence and if you allow them to suddenly start playing video games five hours to 10 hours a week, they're not going to become a school shooter. One risk factor doesn't do it by itself."

The proponents of the anti-video game campaign would like you to think otherwise. Ironically, their own statistics work against them.

 But he notes that video game violence is "the only causal risk factor that is relatively easy for parents to do something about."

These guys get to decide.

 Which is why this debate is completely pointless. The State does not need to be involved. Parents get to decide what is suitable for their child. The video game industry has a self-regulating rating system that aids parents in finding suitable video games for their children. You legally cannot purchase a video game rated "M" (Mature) unless you are 17 years old or older. I was denied sale of God of War II (a "M" rated game) when I was 18 because I had accidentally left my ID at home. It is enforced.

 The use of misleading words like "strongly suggests" in the Anderson study gives people like Yee the ammo they need to win rhetorical bouts. However, the strong suggestion that Anderson makes is akin to seeing someone soaked from head to toe "strongly suggests" that they jumped in a lake.

Mega Man: Mass Murderer

I found a common theme in both Anderson (from the "New analysis reasserts..." article) and Yee's comments. Both claim that even though games are rated and regulated, games rated "E" (Everyone) still contain violent content. Yes, they may. I've blown up thousands of robots in Mega Man games. Is this violence realistic? persuasive? Of course not. Violence ABOUNDS in children's literature. Even fairy tales! Lest we forget the Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma and attempts to consume Little Red Riding Hood. Nor should we forget that the kind hunter cuts the wolf open and rescues an unharmed Grandma from its belly. Or, since this is America, how about the Bible? Remember the Flood? That was only the complete destruction of the known world and the death of every living thing that was on Noah's Ark? Or perhaps the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in which God personally decimates two cities, sans one family. This is the kind of stuff I was taught when I was growing up. I read Harry Potter. I read about the Basilisk tearing through Harry Potter's arm with its fangs. I read the Redwall series in elementary school and can clearly remember Constance the Badger tossing an unlucky rat from the top of Redwall, crushing his bones. I've killed my fair share of police officers in Grand Theft Auto. I'm decapitated zombies in Resident Evil with a shotgun. I'm killed hundreds of Nazis in Call of Duty. I played all these games in some shape or form before I was a freshman in High School. I'm not a violent person. Most people aren't.

What is the real problem here? Perhaps it the variety of risk factors that Ferguson mentioned. He certainly has evidence on his side. Whatever the problem may be, it certainly isn't violent video games. It wasn't in 1994 when the ESRB was founded and it's not in 2010. We cannot allow our state governments to arbitrarily decide what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to a First Amendment issue.

----------------

Image of parents and child from Daily Mail online (link here)
Capcom images are property of their respective owners. All rights reserved.

Torchlight (Impressions)

Need something to tide you over until Diablo III is released? How about Torchlight? You've probably at least seen it if you actively use Steam (they ran some sort of promotion recently, I believe). It's a action RPG modeled after dungeon crawlers like Diablo. If you're familiar with the genre at all, you know what to expect. You pick a character class and explore dungeons, caves, etc., killing monsters, loading up on treasure, and developing your character with the experience you earn. The game was crafted by Runic Games: founded by Fate (another excellent game in the genre) creator Travis Baldree and Diablo architects Max Schaefer and Erich Schaefer. And boy is it good!

The game features three class: Destroyer (male, warrior type), Vanquisher (female, ranged type), and Alchemist (male, mage type). Each class has three talent trees, allowing a customizable build. I, naturally, played the Alchemist. You can tailor your Alchemist to focus on offensive spells, summoning minions, or just straight up punching people in the face... with magic, of course. Or, better yet, you can mix and match! It's up to you. You have limited skill points. Therefore, forethought is required.

Graphically, the game is cartoony. However, it looks great. World of Warcraft-esque. The town of Torchlight is dark and a bit grim and foreboding. And it's a bit violent. Some enemies will explode in a shower of cartoon blood if you hit them hard enough. The music is good. It nostalgically recalls the music in Diablo. It's especially noticeable in the town's theme and some of the sound effects, for example: the town portal scroll. It's a really nice touch.

Each character gets a pet! Either a cat or a dog. I don't know if there's more options in the main game or not. Your pet helps you fight, takes items you don't want to town to sell them so you can keep pressing into the dungeon, and can equip some items and even learn spells. You can also feed him/her. Aw... It's good to have a companion!

The games interface is familiar and easy to navigate. That's all that can really be said. If you remember your hotkeys from Diablo II or even WoW, some are the same. Pressing "Q" will still bring up your quest log.

Thus, is Torchlight. Familiar, yet new. I'm having a lot of fun so far. In closing, Torchlight II has been announced along with a proposed MMO based in the universe. Good luck, Runic Games! It's a brave new world out there!

Now, if you'll excuse me... I need to sleep.

Seriously Valve?

So, I was installing one of my personal favorite games, Half-Life 2, on my laptop. It has a shitty onboard graphics card, but it’s plenty enough to run the game. I re-downloaded the game through Steam because it’s convenient, as my brother would say, “as a mother-fucker”. Once it’s finished, I start playing the game. I hear G-Man’s “Wake up, Mr. Freeman” speech and the game begins...


I start getting graphical bugs. No problem, says I. I don’t have a great video card... some tweaking should solve this problem. I force it to run under DirectX7 shaders (by entering “-dxlevel70“ in Steam’s advanced launch options) and, voila! problem solved...

...Not really. Anytime Combine soldiers opened fire at me, the game crashed. Even when I shot at them first, crash and bun. Generic “hl2 has stopped working” error (in Vista, btw). How the fuck are you supposed to play a first person SHOOTER if you can’t even SHOOT?!

Recently, HL2 was updated for the Mac release. Before this release, Half-Life 2 worked just fine for me. I understand that I’m running a pretty graphical intensive game on a pretty bad graphics card... but it was totally playable last year. I check some forums to see if anyone else is having problems with the new build... They are.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t live without Half-Life 2. I can’t. Oxygen, Food, Water, Half-Life 2.

I was about to eat a shotgun for lunch, when I decided to try one more thing: download a non-Steam version of the game. After finding a suitable torrent, I download and installed... I nervously click on “NEW GAME”.......

Works like a charm.

What the fuck, Valve? I had to pirate a game I already owned to make it run on my machine. Yes, I do own it:

I understand that opening up, arguably, your finest game to Mac users is a good move... More well deserved cash in your pockets. And I’m sure these new bugs will eventually be eradicated and maybe a future build will be more stable on older, shittier machines. I also understand that updates are necessary to keep an older product exciting. You did add achievements to HL2 (and HL2: Episode 1, Episode 2 already had ‘em) and probably corrected some old bugs. Hell, you may have even added some new textures and updated the graphics a bit. But what the fuck?

If any of the high-ups in Valve read this, please listen. My Steam username is johnnypalooza. I bought the retail version of HL2 for PC in 2006 or maybe 2007 and my product key is registered. I also own the digital version of the original Half-Life. But, I had to pirate a copy of your undisputed masterpiece so I could play it again. I’m sorry. :D

Wait... no I’m not. I wasted a whole goddamn day trying to fix this. And I was sick to boot! Go fuck yourself.

Just kidding.

Top 10 Horror Films (Part 1)

I used to avoid horror films as a child. I was easily frightened, apparently. Boy, that sure has changed. I think it probably had something to do with my huge interest in survival horror games. As I slowly overcame my fears of "scary" video games, so did the fear of horror films disappear as well. Or maybe I just grew up a little. Either way, horror films are among some of my favorites. This calls for a Top 10 list!

10. The Devil's Backbone

Guillermo del Toro directed this one in 2001. Though he's much better know for the Hellboy films and the excellent Pan's Labyrinth, The Devil's Backbone is an impressive work. The film takes place in a orphanage during the Spanish Civil War. Our hero, the young Carlos, is haunted by the ghost of a fellow orphan, Santi. The villain, Jacinto, is brilliant portrayed by the infinitely talented Eduardo Noriega. It's a tense, masterful work. The atmosphere del Toro creates with his shots, the underbelly of the orphanage, the doomed landscapes that surround it, and the story that unfolds, and everything else is wonderfully crafted.  If you haven't seen this one, which is likely, please do.


9. Hatchet

Hatchet is an exceptionally violent, exceptionally awesome horror film. Directed by Adam Green, you won't soon forget this film. It's gruesome, funny, and made by people who love the genre. Consider a scene where a large chunk of a character's body (including the entire neck and head) is hacked off by a hatchet. I counted about 11 swings. Or perhaps one where a sander is applied to a characters face. Or maybe that time when that old lady gets her entire head ripped in half... Yeah, I'm spoiling this for you aren't I? Just watch it.




Honorable Mention: The Tripper

"On 4.20, Hippie Blood Will Trickle Down" - Film tagline


The Tripper is directed by David Arquette. It features a psychopathic, Ronald Reagen obsessed maniac killing hippies. Do I have to say more? Didn't think so...






8. The Descent

Neil Marshall's second film, The Descent, is one of the most engaging and tense films I've ever seen. The film concerns a group of women who go spelunking in an unknown cave system. Once instead, they become lost and strange things begin to happen. It's claustrophobic, maddening, and nail-biting throughout its entire running time. However, make sure you watch the film's true ending. It was, for some reason, changed in the American theatrical run. I think the DVD that you can buy/rent now has the better ending. It's also not spelled out for the viewer and you get to decide what the ending means. A great film.



7. The Evil Dead

The Sam Raimi classic we all know and love! The Evil Dead is significant in my book for having a tree rape someone. Also, we have this film to thank for the introduction of Bruce Campbell into our collective unconsciousness. It's horrifying and a whole lot of fun. It also has a particular distinction of being one of the only horror film trilogies in which all of the sequels are great films as well, if extremely different. The film's plot follows a group of friends who visit a cabin in the-middle-of-nowhere and accidentally awaken demons. After this film, that should be a legitimate concern for people vacationing in isolated cabins.


6. Alien

The first film in the Alien franchise is visceral and throughly terrifying. So much is going on in its images that it begs multiple viewings. It's dark, foreboding, and immaculately paced. On the surface, it's the struggle to survive. Underneath that, the cornucopia of sexual imagery appeals to our senses. I didn't fully understand why the initial facehugger attack made me so uneasy until I got older and became a more perceptive viewer. Also, it's got my vote for the singular most frightening scene of all time: the "chestburster" scene. I don't think I was the same person after I saw that. An incredible horror and sci-fi classic.



That's all for now! Stay with me for part 2! Coming soon! :D

Top 10 Final Fantasy Summons/Espers/Eidolons/GFs/Aeons/Whatever!

In the Final Fantasy games, you get access to powerful super beings that you can summon to mop up your enemies. They are usually called summon magic, espers, or eidolons. These beings are usually based upon lore of many different varieties. Thus, every time I pass copies of "The Epic of Gilgamesh" in bookstores I'm tempted to buy it. Also, if not for Final Fantasy, I'd probably never know how disgusting a carbuncle looks... Thanks, much Square-Enix. Good enough introduction? I thought so. On to the list...

10. Carbuncle 

Make sure you never type in "carbuncle" in a Google image search without any modifiers. You'll get lots of gruesome pictures of "carbuncles", which is a type of skin disease. Who knew? Who the hell names these diseases anyway? The Carbuncle we're talking about here is an extremely cute little being that casts Reflect on your party. Carbuncle comes from an ancient term for a cut garnet. There is also mention of a creature called "Carbuncle" in the "Book of Imaginary Beings" by Jorge Louis Borges: described as a creature with some sort of jewel in its head. 

9. Ifrit

Ifrit's basis is the infernal genies (or Djinn) of Arabic myth. They are described as strong and cunning and are associated with fire. So, naturally, Ifrit is usually depicted as very muscled and obliterates the field with fire... Or even a meteor. Anything that's hot and explosive. Ifrit is usually among some of the first summon creatures you have access to in a typical Final Fantasy game. Thus, we all share a deep bond with this blazing genie.







8. Shiva

Oh, Shiva. The sexy ice summon that we usually cast over and over again until our MP is depleted just to see her. Unless we're talking FFVIII... My Shiva had 1,000 (the maximum) compatibility with Squall in a few hours. I could summon her in close to one second. She's also an early game summon. Shiva is drawn from the Hindu god of destruction of the same name. The deity Shiva is said to represent duality and thus it's perfectly reasonable to say that, although he's usually depicted as male, Shiva can also be represented as a female. Other stories about Shiva include a tale about him drinking a poison from the world's oceans that turned his neck blue. All depictions of Shiva in FF games have the creature an icy blue. Shiva is also told to have "matted" hair. In Final Fantasy X, the Shiva Aeon does indeed appear to have either matted or perhaps extremely braided hair: possessing several long, flowing dreadlocks. That's about it for similarities, though.

7. Phoenix

Phoenix isn't as common in the series as some of the others, but when he does appear... It's always very good. The Phoenix summon will usually revive fallen party members while dealing fire damage to your enemies. What's NOT awesome about that? I'll tell you what: nothing. Phoenix comes from Persian mythology originally and is depicted as a bird with beautiful gold and red plumage that, once ever 500 or 1,000 years, dies and is reborn again. The phoenix is also part of Egyptian and Chinese myths. You've seen the Harry Potter films so you know exactly what I'm talking about.

6. Ramuh

Ramuh has a particularly noteworthy distinction of being one of the very few summon creatures to play a direct role in the storyline of some of the games. In FFVI, he helps the party find and explain what is happening to main character Terra. Also, in FFIX, Ramuh helps Dagger get back her summoning ability and becomes her first eidolon. Pretty cool, huh? Always depicted as an old man with a long white beard, Ramuh commands thunder and lightning. His basis is, again, Hindu beliefs. The deity Indra is the king of the gods (Devas) and reigns over war, storm, and rainfall.

5. Odin

Odin is a very common FF summon. He's almost always depicted as demonic knight riding a horse (usually with six legs) and deals instant death to enemies he's used against. Odin is named after the principal god of Norse myth: god of wisdom, war, poetry, battle, and other things. Need I say more? A badass summon based on a badass god.






Honorable Mention: Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh is... well, complicated. He has only been a "summon" one and a half times (If you really want to know how I calculated that math... I'll gladly tell you if you leave a comment...). So, I didn't include him in the list. However, he's so damn cool that I had to put him in somewhere. There was probably an ancient Mesopotamian king called Gilgamesh, ruing the ancient Sumer city of Uruk around 2700 B.C.E. However, that's the least interesting version. The interesting one is said to have been two parts god and one part man. "The Epic of Gilgamesh" chronicles his exploits with his sidekick Enkidu to anger the gods, having become bored with his rule. Gilgamesh is usually portrayed as some sort of rogue that seeks powerful swords. The party is usually able to steal powerful "Genji" equipment from him.

4. Anima

Did this thing seriously freak you out or what? Don't lie. If you said no, you're lying. Anima is the most interesting Aeons in Final Fantasy X and one of the best in a Final Fantasy game period. It's origins lie in both ancient Roman beliefs and in Jungian psychology. The ancient Romans believed that the "anima" was associated with the heart. When one died, their anima would leave their chest through their final breath. Carl Jung said the anima was the subconscious collection of female qualities that reside in all males, influenced by their mothers and perhaps also their sisters, aunts, etc. This is interesting because, in Final Fantasy X, Anima was created from the mother of her summoner, Seymour. For a more in depth discussion of Carl Jung and FFX click here.

Also, check this Youtube vid of Anima being summoned for a more thorough "freaking out":


3. Bahamut

"The Dragon King" as he's known this is usually the summon that most fans point to as their favorite. He's always powerful, his attack animation is always awesome, and he's a dragon. What more could you want? Bahamut is based on Arabic myth. It's first depiction was that of a giant fish which carried a giant bull with 4,000 eyes on its back, which carried a mountain of ruby on its back, which carried six hells and seven heavens, which contains Glenn Beck's sanity. Nah, just kidding about that last part. Another Arabic supposedly does depict Bahamut as a dragon. I'm not sure about this, though. Usually, Bahamut has to be defeated for the party to gain access to his powers. Bahamut was so popular that there are currently FOUR different versions of him in Final Fantasy VII canon: Bahamut, Neo-Bahamut, Bahamut ZERO, and Bahamut Sin. Wow.

2. Knights of the Round

Oh, what hell one had to endure to get Knights of the Round. The only way to do was to either breed a Gold chocobo (with little instruction on how to do so if you wasn't using a guide) or to defeat Emerald Weapon... an optional boss with one million HP to get a Master Materia set from the Traveler at Kalm. Either way, this summon is worth it. It summons thirteen knights that attack in turn, the final blow being struck by--obviously--King Arthur himself with Excalibur. It looks incredible, it's highly damaging, and it's a status symbol. Having Knights of the Round means that you've pretty much mastered Final Fantasy VII, the only game where it appears.

And... without further ado... I give you my number one summoned creature in the Final Fantasy games:

1. Alexander

Alexander is a gigantic death fortress. It's depicted as a massive castle shaped structure with a head in the center and two large "arms" that it moves with (and sometimes fires its weapons with). It's deals holy damage and is sometimes the party's only source of holy damage. Alexander is a common male name (and my favorite male name at that.) It means "protector or man" or "to push back". It plays a key role in FFIX where it is summoned to stave of Bahamut, who is sieging Alexandria (coincidence?) castle. You can see the clip here. That FMV alone is enough to top my list. It's attack animations are also always fantastic. I was glad to see Alexander utilized in FFXIII. Really glad!

So that does it for my Top 10 Summons/Espers/Eidolons/GFs/Aeons/Whatever! List. I hope you enjoyed it.

I Like Hope

Quick warning here: possible FFXIII story spoilers ahead.

"So far Hope is my least favorite girl in the game".... "Hes such a frickin cry baby. I want him to die.".... "...Hes just pathetic. I wouldnt be as bad if he wasnt a little Ahole mommas boy. But to be that and a useless little cry baby. Hes just wants to be hated"

Just a sample of forum posts I found relating to the character of Hope Estheim in "Final Fantasy XIII". I wonder why people don't like him so much? Sure, he complains from time to time but who doesn't? I don't even think he is a particularly egregious whiner... certainly not by Final Fantasy standards (Edward the bard, anyone?) So what gives? Why do people hate Hope?


Now, given, I haven't completed FFXIII yet. School currently possesses the deed to my soul. However, I'm about 11 hours in and I've came to regard Hope as almost my very favorite character. Some background information on Hope is that he's 14 years old and, along with his mother, was part of the Sanctum's Purge event that happens at the beginning of the game. Hope's character is the type of character that is pulled into a conflict he wanted no part in. He's unwilling, for the most part, forced into being an enemy of the Sanctum by being branded an l'Cie (one chosen by a fal'Cie to complete a particular goal). He feels that the other characters pushed him into this situation and, at first, deflects all blame to others and refuses to take any for himself. He harbors a particularly strong grudge against the character Snow who, in his view, is responsible for the death of his mother. He's certainly not a cheerful character (Vanille is cheerful to the point of parody). He's not a particular strong character in some respects. But as the game progresses, he begins to grow stronger. (Note: when I say he isn't a very strong character, I'm referring to his place in the game's story and not commenting on his usefulness in battle.) He even takes the lead at one point in the story, fighting in front of Lightning: resident badass of the game. So far as I've seen, Hope has began to change. I'm certain that he will continue to.


His actions seem completely plausible in response to his mother dying before his eyes and him being swept up into a conflict he didn't choose to be placed in. It's not very over the top or overwrought. So, I ask again, what gives? Would you rather have Edward? Or perhaps *shudder* Vaan? Compared to those two, does Hope's crimes seem so heavy?


I have a hypothesis. I think that Hope is hated in the exact same way Raiden is hated in the Metal Gear Solid series. Raiden, for those unfamiliar, is the name of the protagonist in the sequel to Metal Gear Solid: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. He's a huge departure from the series' hero: Snake. While an effective soldier, he's noticeably more feminine than Snake in appearance. He's also a little less sure of himself. He doesn't bleed testosterone. Raiden's taking-over as the main character in MGS2 was a CLOSELY guarded secret. I don't think we figured out until we actually played the game. And the shock was great... Western gamers disliked Raiden because he wasn't an apparent badass. He talked about what was bothering him more openly that Snake did. Perhaps Western gamers dislike Hope because he's not a ripped, manly, bullet-sash-wearing type character that doesn't oft talk about his personal issues. I'm not saying that those characters aren't good characters, far from it. A good story can't be populated by just one type of character. You have to have variety. If you don't, congratulations: you've made something very uninteresting.

So, I remain unconvinced that Hope is the annoying character that he is made out to be. He has a heavy burden he's trying to deal with. Consider the scene where he draws the dagger given to him by Lightning and ponders it. It's his "to be, or not to be" moment. It's a great scene. He doesn't bottle his emotions. He also doesn't throw them all out at once. 

Plus, his Eidolon is Alexander. Always a favorite of mine.

Peter Molyneux Shouldn't Worry...

Just read an article on G4 about Peter Molyneux's "Fable III" and how he was "worried" that since the first half-hour of his game has no combat:

"There is no combat because it is so dramatic, and that drama has little room full combat"

I'm assuming he meant to write "for". Either way, it doesn't really matter. Sorry to point that out, Peter. My peers and myself grind each other over errors we make in our writing all the time. Even informal writing like Facebook updates. But, more to the point: Bravo, Mr. Molyneux! I agree. I hear complaints all the time about story elements in video games constantly. Especially, lately. The most recent example being Final Fantasy XIII. I've heard the game described as an "interactive movie" because of its presentation and linearity. To which I respond with a resounding:

So?

Can someone please tell me what is so terrible about a video game establishing an atmosphere and telling a story? I'd also love to know what is so gut-wrenchingly awful about linear games.

You know what video games that stick out the most in my mind? The games that I invest myself into. The games where I develop feelings and familiarity with the characters. I still remember the pain I felt when Argo fell into that chasm at the end of "Shadow of the Colossus". I remember the shock and utter disgust as I watched Aeris fall to Sephiroth's sword in "Final Fantasy VII" I remember the overwhelming sadness that came over me when Naomi examines Snake's frail body in "Metal Gear Solid 4". All three of those games work overtime to pull you in and personally involve you with the story. What is negative about that? I'll never know.

Here's an even better question: why do people criticize linear games. I remember hearing an "Uncharted 2: Among Thieves" review that complained about it being a linear game. Curious, I just did a Google search on "Uncharted 2 linear" and I started reading through relevant forum posts that showed up in the search... and here's what I have to report:

Step 1: Face. Step 2: Palm.

"Uncharted 2: Among Thieves" is linear because it's required to be linear. The game WOULD NOT have worked in a non-linear, sandbox, GTA rip-off style. In it's current form, it's a tightly paced action-adventure game with gorgeous cinematics balanced perfectly with great gameplay. The cutscenes are never too long. How would this game benefit from sandbox gameplay? Am I alone in this sentiment?

So worry not, Peter Molyneux. The people who love video games that are expertly crafted, wonderfully presented, and very fun will most likely purchase "Fable III". We'll keep you in business.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

I remember it vividly (hooray for cliché openings...). The day I got my first Gameboy Advance SP. The first game I bought for it was Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I remember getting back into my father's car and putting the game into the console... *click* went the on switch as I pushed it up...

...and I saw this.

This game was perfect for me. It's story was so beautiful. It dealt with issues that I was facing at the time, being a public school student. Stuff like teasing, problems at home, and friendship. It was the perfect escape. In fact, the entire game is actually an escapist fantasy: one character accidentally uses a magic book to change the entire world. In the real world, he's picked on constantly. He misses his deceased mother greatly and his father has had many problems ever since her passing. However, in Ivalice, he's the prince, his mother is the Queen, and his dad is the powerful Judgemaster. Doned, the protagonist Marche's wheelchair-striken, sickly brother, is not ill in this new world and doesn't want to return.

The game looked beautiful. The battle maps were highly detailed, the character models looked great, the hand-drawn style character portraits were enticing. Half of the fun of FFTA was just looking at the game. I mean, look at this illustration. Ryomo Ito's character designs are incredible. The detail, the specific color palette, and the overall lightness of the artwork vaguely recalls the work of series veteran Yoshitaka Amano without seeming like a copycat.

And there there was the actual gameplay itself. The game is an interesting combination of linear and non-linear elements. The main character joins a "clan" which is basically a band of mercenaries willing to do all different kinds of work. You get to name your clan. You then get leads on "missions" from the pub. Missions come it two varieties: battle missions and dispatch missions. In a battle mission, you have to complete a battle to clear the mission. In a dispatch mission, you choose a character to leave temporarily (a span of time that varies by mission, usually a few in-game days or after you've defeated a certain number of enemies) to complete a task. As an added twist, some missions require items or specific jobs to complete. For example, one bodyguard dispatch mission requires the "Defender" job. All missions have rewards. You're free to take any mission, so long as you have the required items. Most battle missions are either turf wars between clans or events that advance the story. More missions become available as you complete others. It's never boring. You're always either advancing the incredible storyline or laying the proverbial smackdown on rival clans, gaining new turfs and unlocking new areas. When you unlock a new area, you get to choose where it is placed on the world map. This makes sense in the context of the game because the four main characters (Marche; the hero; Ritz, Mewt, and Doned) have basically created the world of Ivalice themselves, with Doned seeming to be the game's primary influence. Just play the game and you'll get it.

The game's job system is similar to the original FF Tactics with one notable exception: some jobs are exclusive to race. There are five races in Ivalice: Human, Nu Mou, Viera, Moogle, and Bangaa. If you've played Final Fantasy XII, you are familiar with these races. Only Moogles have access to the Gunner job and only the Bangaa get Dragoon. There are many other exclusives, as well.

Ivalice is governed by "Laws". Laws are enforced by Judges (Mewt's father, the Judgemaster, is at the left) who appear anytime there is a conflict. Laws forbid certain actions in combat and rewards others. For example, a typical law would forbid a successful attack with a "Greatsword" and reward an attack with a "Rapier". When you break a law, a judge will issue a yellow card or a red card, depending on its severity (first offenses that don't result in KO get yellow cards, but repeat offenses and illegal KOs receive red cards). Legal KOs and recommended actions like a strike with a rapier in the example above, result in a character being rewarding with "JP" (Judge Points). JP is used to perform combos with other characters using your specific job's combo command. Combos are essentially team-up attacks that deal high damage. When a character amasses 10 JP (the maximum), they can summon their race's Totema (beings who guard the crystals that keep the world in order) to deal massive HP or MP damage to all enemies. Later in the game, you get access to cards that alter laws. You can nullify a law that is detrimental or you can add a law that may be advantageous. However, its made clear from the beginning that something may be wrong with this system....

"Resentment towards Queen Remedi has been building these last few years. The reason? Frequent and seemingly arbitrary changes in the laws. It's gone so far that some pundits wryly say she's "...doing it to please that brat, the prince."

This adds a whole new wrinkle of potential tactics to the game. For example, each law that forbids something also rewards something. In the "Greatsword/Rapier" example, a successful Rapier strike with award a character with 1 JP. Also, if you're fighting mages, just use a "Color magic" card to forbid the use of black/white/red/blue magic. Should be an easy victory.

As fun and as deep as FF Tactics Advance's gameplay is, the part that shines the most is the storyline. It's one of the most impressive stories that a Final Fantasy game has ever told. Each main character faces a powerful enemy within themselves during the course of the game. One example is Ritz (the first character illustration above). She is teased for her natural white hair in the real world. She constantly dyes it red to hid her imperfection. However, all the kids know she does this. She strongly resents Marche's attempts to turn the world back to normal. Her comrade is Shara, a Viera warrior. She teachers her that, to the Viera, white hair is considered a blessing and helps her learn to fully accept herself.

Thus is Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I'm willing to say it's the finest game ever made for the Gameboy Advance. It's powerful, relevant storyline teaches us many lessons about self-worth, dwelling on the past, corruption, and the importance of accepting reality rather than living in fiction. Combine that with beautiful graphics and a deep combat system and you've got one of the best games ever made.

The Sleep Deprived Rant of an Angry Gamer

What sets apart the MMORPG from all other games? Many things, indeed. It's a much larger time investment to play one, there are subscription fees to pay, you get access to a unique group of players that you're in almost constant contact with, and almost always a huge learning curve. The rewards of an MMO are potentially great. With time invested and knowledge of your class, you can have a damn good time playing one. You feel like you are part of a community. Community is central to the MMO. Why do you think social networking sites are so popular today? Community. You can stay in touch with practically everyone you know and love from the comfort of your own home and on your own time. MMORPG's are like any other family. They even have those annoying little cousins or siblings that follow you around and ask dumbass questions like "can u giv me sum gold". Fuck no! I won't give you any goddamn gold. "plz I need nu equipmnt im gettin pwned" Grrr.... ok here's 5 gold. Leave me alone.

World of Warcraft is probably the most popular MMO ever. It's massive. It's larger than you can fathom. 11 million unique accounts? That's more than the populations of some countries. It's a damn good game. It's not hard to get into (which is normally a hallmark of MMOs) and it's set up in such a way that you feel rewarded for what you do and the time you put into it. It keeps you coming back. Lots of people you know already have accounts and play.

However, it's apparently pretty damn easy to get hacked. I have a close friend that was recently hacked. He even shelled out the extra cash to buy an authenticator to add extra security to his account. He found out when he tried to log into his account and found out that he had been accused of robbing his guild's bank (our guild's bank, rather. I'm in the same guild). His account was frozen for three days and his reputation was ruined. Having your WoW account is just like having your identity stolen. Someone loses money (or something valuable) and your rep is trashed.

This got me to thinking. I'd heard of hackers and people exploiting WoW. However, I didn't KNOW anybody who had actually gotten hacked. Once I started looking, however, they started popping up everywhere. People I knew... all having the same problem.

Some have pointed at the wildly popular Curse client that lets players manage and use AddOns and enhance the gaming experience (I found the Auctioneer addon highly useful when I played). They say this program is infected with keyloggers that steal your password. Experts in the field also suspect that websites that have nothing to do with WoW also carry such keyloggers. It makes sense because, if you play wow, it's not a huge task to guess what other websites you frequent.

Being fucked over in World of Warcraft is as bad as having your 357 Hour save data in Final Fantasy X deleted accidentally. The five stages of grief run their course and then you find yourself back into the game, trying desperately to reach the god-like state you attained before. Any gamer worth his salt has went through something like that...

...But in an MMO it's so much harder to repair your status. It's so much harder to get back the equipment you lost, the gold you had, and even the friends you had made. Maybe an administrator can restore some of your stuff or maybe they could even fix all of it; but damage done to a players reputation almost can't be restored. My friend was forced to quit playing because his guild-mates didn't trust him anymore.

Why is hacking a problem, Blizzard? People will always come up with ingenious new ways to fuck over his fellow player... I understand that. Nevertheless, I'm paying you a pretty penny to adventure in Azeroth. For those who love them, MMOs are such wonderful things. I know that I've gotten a lot of enjoyment out of playing WoW, FFXI, Ragnarok Online, and hell even Maple Story for awhile. With the money and time we give you, we expect to be taken care of.

Maybe it's getting too big for you to handle... I have a huge amount of empathy for you. It must be hard to run something so incredibly large. However, you have to get this hacking situation under control. You have to get control over this monstrous entity you have created. It's breaking from its reigns... It's like Tetsuo at the end of "Akira". If you don't, we'll leave. I left today. I bought the Final Fantasy XI Ultimate Collection from Steam for $7.49. I always kinda liked FFXI more anyway... but no one played it. I have at least one friend (the guy that got fucked by hackers) that wants to play with me. I wish you the best and I hope you can provide a safer environment for all your current players. They deserve it.