On the Fox News Fact-Checking Department...

Everyone's favorite propaganda machine is back! And this time they've failed harder than Herman Cain's presidential bid. It's incredible how often people with proverbial graveyards in their closets run for the Presidency in this country (just wait until the American public remembers all the extra-marital action Newt Gingrich got). That aside, take a look at this graphic used by Fox News recently in their "coverage" of the Elena Kagan controversy.

Looks official!

Do you spot the error? For starters, the Constitution doesn't have 28 articles, nor does it have anything close to a section 144. Secondly, this language isn't part of the Constitution! At all! Did Fox "News" fabricate this factoid? According to this article, that language does exist in Title 28 of the US Code, Section 455, but that obviously isn't "The Constitution". Simple error? Probably, but consider this: Fox "News" has recently "won" consecutive "Lie of the Year" awards from PolitiFact. In response to this and other failures of the Fox "News" fact checking department, I decided to give them a call and ask a few questions:

Well, that's odd. Their phone doesn't seem to be connected. Y'know, I'm not too sure the lights are even on in that building anymore.

The Sheer Brilliance of PETA

Oh Internet, I have officially seen it all. The two subjects I write most about--video games and politics--have come together once again! Let's not get into what kind of a sick human being is hugely interested in both video games and politics and instead talk about skinning raccoon dogs! We all know and love (hate) PETA: which of course doesn't stand for People Eating Tasty Animals as peta.org once linked to, but for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (and is also far more convoluted).

It seems they have gotten their oft uncomfortably bunched panties into a bunch again over the upcoming Nintendo 3DS game Super Mario 3D Land releasing this statement along with a flash game where the aforementioned raccoon dog errrr... gets his skin back: 

When on a mission to rescue the princess, Mario has been known to use any means necessary to defeat his enemy—even wearing the skin of a raccoon dog to give him special powers.
Tanooki may be just a "suit" in Mario games, but in real life, tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it's OK to wear fur. Play Super Tanooki Skin 2D and help Tanooki reclaim his fur!

 Mario does indeed wear the aforementioned raccoon dog suit to give himself special powers. I have a question though. What kind of a suit does PETA members wear to make themselves super douchebags?

What a deplorable animal abuser... either that or he's a fictional character with fictional powers in a fictional world where animals are not skinned for their fur because the characters in the world have been created by the developers to provide an entertaining platforming experience that takes no philosophical positions outside the context of the game. But which is the better sounding sound byte? 

So in an effort to appeal to kids, who don't vote or influence public policy in any direct way, PETA unnecessarily tries turning a gaming icon into some sort of merciless animal slayer? The website also comes complete with all the G-rated, family friendly violence you've come to expect from the kind of reputable organization that supports domestic terrorism.
You know, I've played Mario games for years and I can't recall ever skinning an animal and parading around in its literal skin. Mario has more to say about blue balls than the issue of fur trading. PETA's pathetic attempt to shoehorn their agenda into the release of Super Mario 3D Land is simply laughable. I think I speak for most gamers when I say: fuck off. Stop exploiting the medium to make cheap political statements to a demographic, children, that couldn't give two shits about the issue you're trying to raise.

Candidates Called by God

Are you there God? It's me, Rick.

Michele Bachmann. Rick Santorum. Rick Perry. Herman Cain. What do they have in common? Besides treading water in the intelligence department, all four of them have claimed that “God” called them to run for President.

Of course, no one has asked them the obvious question of: “do you often hear voices in your head?” Not many questions are asked at all. If you're a Republican running for public office the media simply assumes you were sent by God. However this concept has seemingly jumped the shark in this campaign cycle. Four candidates claiming to be sponsored by God? Well, that certainly doesn't make sense. They can't all be President and, furthermore, if God is as omnipotent as he claims, then surely he knows this. So what gives?

The answer is simple: they're lying right to our faces and we're letting them get away with it.

Herman Cain: the latest candidate to be "persuaded" by God to run.

This isn't a matter of whether or not God exists. It's a matter of disgusting political opportunists who exploit the religious beliefs of a gullible public to secure votes for themselves. Voters tend to prefer candidates that are principled: case-in-point Mitt Romney. Many would also prefer a candidate that shares their religious views and it's perfectly okay to vote for someone because you agree on philosophy. However, that's not exactly the case here. It's an easy sell rhetorically because, if this article is correct, fifty-two percent of people believe that Jesus speaks to them directly through their thoughts and emotions. I'm not saying that politicians don't have religious beliefs, of course they do. But this “called by God” nonsense is just taking it too far. It's like saying “A vote against is me, is a vote against God”. And if you lose? Well, it's because God is obviously punishing America for not faithful enough by electing a President that's not anointed... Duh. Do you see why this is a problem? They claim divine inspiration and have a convenient escape plan if their candidacy falls through.

If you look at the numbers you do find that Congress is overwhelming Christian, but I think this has more to do with simple demographics. America is 60-70% Christian. Many candidates don't run for office on their faith and it's not an issue. And, of course, the majority probably have never claimed a divine calling.

Pete Stark: First Atheist in Congress and possibly Iron Man

So just how many non-Christians are in Congress? The 111th House has been lauded as the “most religiously diverse... in history” yet only 36 members are non-Christians... out of 435. Only a single representative in the House identifies as an atheist... care to guess which state he's from? 10 points to Gryffindor if you said California. But I digress.
Maybe these candidates legitimately believe that God has spurred them towards the Presidency. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this. Maybe my cynicism has reached new heights. But what's more likely? We are talking about politicians here: a social group known for its trustworthiness and strong moral compass. Do you honestly think they wouldn't exploit religion to rally support? Herman Cain played the God card after being caught up in a sexual harassment scandal... coincidence? Here's what I do know for sure: anytime a human being claims to speak for God, even as indirectly as these candidates have, you know trouble is coming. Don't fall for it.

Retro: Rayman

It seems that nowadays most video game companies don't use their mascots anymore, save Nintendo (and to a lesser extent Sega) who plaster Mario's iconic mug onto anything they can get their hands on. It's more likely for someone to own a piece of Mario merchandise than a first-aid kit. That's a fact (that I just made up). PlayStation had its platforming/adventure icons: Crash, Spyro, Jak & Daxter, Sly Cooper, Ratchet & Clank. Xbox had resident badass Master Chief... so on and so forth.

I suppose there's room for two Michel's in my heart.

Lest we forget Ubisoft's mascot: Rayman. Created by French National Hero (at least in my mind) Michel Ancel and debuting in the eponymous 1995 platformer. If you've never played Rayman, now might be a good time. 2011 marks the long-awaited return of the limbless fist-slinger in Rayman: Origins which is shaping up to be an incredible piece of platforming joy.

The original Rayman is a colorful and vibrant 2-D platformer. You'll notice this right away when you step into the first world. The environments are impressively detailed and surreal. Each themed world is both cutesy and nightmarish in its own special way and has unique obstacles and creatures that want Rayman dead: weaponized fruit, gravity-defying piranha, and eyeballs that shoot lightning... I'm not kidding about the surreal part. It's like if Candy Land fucked Dir En Grey's Obscure music video. Did I mention Rayman doesn't have any limbs? He's a floating torso with magic hands and feet! Rayman himself is vibrant, animated, and aesthetically pleasing.

Bonus character for Assassin's Creed Rev.?

One thing Rayman will do is remind you that video games used to be hard. We all remember those days, don't we? Rayman's health doesn't regenerate and not all stages have a midway checkpoint. I don't think the game gives you nowhere as many continues as you need and that's my only real criticism of the game. You start out with 5 and I'd be surprised if a newcomer completes Dream Forest with more than 1 or 2. I've played quite a bit of the game lately and, far as I can tell, you can't get any additional continues unless you cheat (Up, Down, Right, Left on the Game Over screen when you have less than three continues remaining... you're welcome). Or maybe I should just suck it up and admit that modern gaming has spoiled me.

So if you like platformers and you've (somehow) skipped over Rayman, give it a shot. You probably won't be disappointed. Oh and speaking of French National Hero and Certified Ass-Kicker Michel Ancel...

My body is ready, Pey'j...

We await patiently for Beyond Good & Evil 2. 

How Much Can I Love Indie Games and Not Be Called a Hipster?

Is it ironic that I spent so little time editing this image or am I just lazy? Shit.

You know me guys. I'm a rabid gamer. PC and console primarily though I've had my tenure at the tabletop playing Dungeons & Dragons, Magic: The Gathering, and others. So I'm reading through all kinds of articles on Kotaku, Gamespot, IGN, etc. today about the Bethesda-Notch debacle and I notice something: most of the argument in the comment sections, especially on Kotaku, seem to be focused on the issue of mainstream games vs. indie games. As in Skyrim vs. Minecraft.

I really love indie games because they're often significantly more inspired that mainstream games. Give me Braid over Black Ops any day. That's just the kind of guy I am.

If you didn't know me at all (perhaps you don't, I generally just assume my friends read this) and all you knew about me is that I loved playing Bastion and blogging about how Beyond Good & Evil is a work of pure genius, wouldn't you assume I was a hipster? What about the fact that I just listed three indie/cult games that all start with the letter B?

Maybe I am a "gaming hipster." But then again, hating hipsters is the new hipster. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to play some more Barkley, Shut up and Jam! because it's so bad.

How Praise Turns to Criticism: Final Fantasy X. vs Final Fantasy XIII

This game can't be good... no online multiplayer.

Let me go ahead and get this out of the way: I fucking love the Final Fantasy series of video games. I've at the very least played every incarnation of the main series and most all of the spin-offs. I've fully completed IV, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, and XII. I came very close to finishing I and II. III I've spent the least amount of time with followed by V (which I'll be working through next). Oh, and yes, I played Final Fantasy XI and I enjoyed it while I did.

So, naturally, I was hella excited when XIII hit. I even took a picture of it with my phone and uploaded it to Facebook before I got home after the midnight release.
At that point I had a 360 so I popped my game in and started playing. Boy, was it beautiful! Everything looked amazing. Some of the first few battles kicked in and while I felt very limited to what I could do at first, more and more combat techniques starting creeping in. I started noticing similarities to Final Fantasy X, definitely one of the best entries in the series, after the introduction level. I quite enjoyed that first night playing it.

A few days later, I wanted to know what my friends thought about it. Their response was almost universally negative. In fact, one kid at school kept bugging me day after day with a new disparaging review he had read on Screw Attack, anecdotal stories about how "it was showing up in bargain bins for like $15 everywhere," and parroting oft heard criticisms of "it's too linear." I told everyone I enjoyed the game and they just couldn't believe it. It was like I was the sole defender and everyone who knew that just couldn't wait to tell me how they didn't like the game very much. I didn't really argue with them except to simply say that I didn't buy the linear argument for a second since I generally prefer linear games to sandbox games. Especially for a story-driven experience like Final Fantasy. However, one day I decided to fight back and I brought up how similar the game was to the much beloved Final Fantasy X.

Oh nostalgia!

For example, in both games, "summons" (Aeons for X, Eidolons for XIII) play a central role in the plot. Characters are driven to complete a task that will end with death for success or failure depending. The growth system ditches experience points completely and opts instead for a kind of map (Sphere Grid for X, Crystarium for XIII) that the player explores to unlock benefits and new techniques. Both games feature a theocratic body that engages in a sort of "Holy War" (Bevelle for X, Sanctum for XIII). Both games are linear with players advancing from one point to the next to further the plot and engage boss characters. Both games have minimaps used to steer the player to the next objective. Both games feature an large free-roaming area at the end of the game that can be explored. In both games many monsters are portrayed as corrupted souls ("fiends" being corrupted Unsent and "Cie'th" being I'Cie that didn't complete their Focus) Both games were also directed by Motomu Toriyama and both mark huge changes to the battle and development systems. On a more superficial note, both games are well-known for their graphical advances and lush, detailed environments.

So why then is Final Fantasy X lauded and Final Fantasy XIII derided by most players I've met? Most professional reviewers did give both X and XIII high marks. For one, XIII featured a hugely different battle system that was an evolution of Final Fantasy XII's love-it-or-hate-it ADB system. ADB played out more like an MMO with monsters roaming the field and battles taking place in the field without a separate "battle screen". X's Coditional Turn-Based Battle system is more like Final Fantasy Tactics than any other main series title and is miles different from the Active Time Battle system that the series used since IV. In ATB, time was always counting down and a characters could perform an action when their ATB gauge was full. CTB eliminates time pressure but creates a new kind of tactical pressure. It gives you a list at the right showing in what order each battle participant gets to act so you can choose whether to mount a full assault or build up your defenses for your enemies get their turns. XII drew much ire by some players for its departure, but was openly embraced by many more it seems. XIII is certainly no different.

Most interesting to me is the criticism of XIII being so linear. I didn't hear much mention of this when X came out. X and XIII are virtually similar in this regard. XIII does seem to have more FMVs than X, but the point still stands. There were a few that raised small objections lamenting the departure of the the controllable airships and open world maps, but these objections were minor and not shouted from the mountaintops like they were for XIII. But what do you expect? We live in an age where games like universally acclaimed games like Uncharted 2: Among Thieves still draw criticism, mostly by average Joe gamer and hardly ever by critics in this case, for being "too linear". It feels like every Western game has to have character customization and open worlds to be successful or "good".

Does nostalgia play a role? FFX's combat felt more traditional compared to anything that came after it. XII and XIII took bold steps in a new direction and seemed to step on a few toes in doing so.
So what gives? I'm not trying to make the argument that Final Fantasy XIII is as good as Final Fantasy X because I don't think it is. I do think it's a really good game. However, people who dish out harsh criticism of it, and then remember X so fondly perhaps need to think a little longer on the issue...

Tea Party Patriots v. Occupy Wall Street

If only the Tea Party tasted this good.

Oh tell me, Internet, why am I browsing Tea Party Patriots.org on this chilly October morning?

For two years now, tea partiers have stood firmly on principle and helped shape the political debate in this country.  They believe in time-honored American values, principles and systems including the freedom to innovate and employ people to implement and distribute one's ideas to the public.  They believe freedom from government allows entrepreneurs to try new things, see what works and discard what doesn't.  They don't believe corporations are inherently evil, nor should bankers be beheaded.  They do not believe this country should be divided by class, but united in a return to the principles that undergird our nation's success.  In fact, they want more of what made America great: more Constitutional restraint on government so that the people have more freedom to achieve the good things the country offers.

I find the most fascinating thing about the Tea Party is the way they try to lend the movement credibility by placing themselves in the "good ol' days". "Time-honored American values, principles and systems" sounds great, right? I can almost smell the Apple pie right now. What about the "time-honored" American value of oppressing blacks? It certainly was "time-honored" with segregation only ending in the 20th century. Another obvious example is the name "Tea Party" which seeks to connect their movement with the American Revolution. It's pretty absurd if you give it any level of thought. What does small government have to do with representation in Parliament?
The Tea Party certainly doesn't believe that corporations are inherently evil. Nearly every move they've made in Washington is to cut their taxes and allow them to plunder the environment more and more by squeezing the EPA. And bankers definitely shouldn't be beheaded, I agree. They should be indicted, right Tea Party? Aren't you guys for fiscal responsibility? It's plastered all over your homepage like porn ads on CoolRom. What's more fiscally irresponsible than breaking the law and creating a massive financial crisis?
Stating that America should not "be divided by class" is simply wishful thinking. It is divided by class with the gap between the rich and poor ever growing. That's what the Occupy Wall Street movement is pointing out. "...united in a return to the principles that undergird our nation's success"? There's that "good 'ol days" thinking again. What exactly do we need to "return" to? They keep using this language about going back and returning but they never seem to give a cogent definition of where that place is. Did you not see that episode of Penn & Teller: Bullshit! where they pointed out that the "good ol' days" never really existed? It's just a fictional space you invented in your mind that doesn't suck as bad as your life sucks now.

By contrast, those occupying Wall Street and other cities, when they are intelligible, want less of what made America great and more of what is damaging to America: a bigger, more powerful government to come in and take care of them so they don't have to work like the rest of us who pay our bills. 

The tea party, meanwhile, was a spontaneous, organic and fast-moving movement, but it has maintained a cogent message: a demand for fiscal responsibility in government.

Please don't go there, Tea Party Patriots:

Because we all know your movement is known for its intelligence and wit. OWS isn't about welfare and the government taking care of anyone. It isn't about laziness.

The Tea Party wasn't spontaneous and organic, first of all. Let's not continue to engage in that mass delusion.  Secondly, OWS message isn't as muddled as you're attempting to imply. The movement is about massive income disparity and political representation. It's about accountability. It's about holding the people that, for lack of a better term, fucked our economy responsible for their actions: something the federal government doesn't seem too interested in doing. We are tired of bought politicians and special interest groups controlling our government.

Tea party rallies have always been safe and clean.  Unlike in New York, we can find no reports of tea partiers being arrested, individually or en masse, at the thousands of tea parties across the country with millions of attendees that have taken place for years now.  They are not lawbreakers, they don't hate the police, they don't even litter.  A quick glance at the TV reveals the sharp contrast posed by the Wall Street occupiers.

That's true, no arrests. However, Tea Party events were one-off deals: one day of protest and misspelled sign waving and then we all go home. And you accused OWS of being lazy! They're actually putting forth some effort. That's why you see the backlash. Most OWS protesters haven't broken the law as you're so authoritatively implying. Most OWS protesters don't hate the police. If you guys are looking for a cop hater, look no further then this guy.
You are certainly right about that last sentence, though. There is a sharp contrast between the Tea Party protesters and the OWS protesters: one is truly revolutionary and one just isn't. Care to guess which one isn't? I'll give you a hint: it's the one with guys getting pepper sprayed, beaten, and arrested.

Yet the Leftist media cheers for a group of lawbreaking troublemakers who occupied a park in New York, blocked the Brooklyn Bridge, were arrested by the hundreds and treated law enforcement with disrespect and disdain all while trying to tear down the foundations of the greatest nation on earth.

And what the fuck were these guys? Law-abiding citizens? That image was hosted on a Tea Party website. You idolize these men yet you have disdain for "lawbreaking troublemakers"? How can you have respect for a man who's spraying chemicals into your face? How can you respect a man who is bludgeoning you with a club for exercising your right to protest? It's such a disgusting hypocrisy.

Such a media response is expected.  But when you compare these people with tea partiers' now you've got a problem with We the People.  

I hate to break it to you, Tea Party Patriots, but you are not We the People. You are currently the most hated group in America, according to polls. For real. Problem? I know it stings. You've been outdone in every conceivable way. OWS is very much We the People. They don't need to shoehorn that 1776 bullshit into their movement to lend it undue credibility either. We are the 99%

Reaction to Occupy Wall Street

The right's reaction to Occupy Wall Street is something to marvel at. To see Eric Cantor voice his "concern" over the "mobs" that have gathered in New York (and across the world) when he himself stood in solidarity with the Tea Party "mobs" (aren't weasel words fun?) that broke out across the country after 2008. To see Fox News pretend that Occupy Wall Street isn't a spontaneous grassroots movement and that all the protesters are loony Maoists when they openly propped up the Tea Party movement (here's an excellent rundown: link). I'm in stitches. This is some of the finest comedy the world has ever seen.

It would be, anyway, if they weren't serious.

For the politicians, it's nothing new: double standards (Tea Party mobs?), hypocrisy (Tea Party mobs?), lies (Occupy Wall Street doesn't have a message), etc (War on Christimas)., but it seems especially egregious here since both OWS and those Tea Party folks might have a lot in common if the Fox News media machine hadn't already assured them that they were sworn mortal enemies like Sub-Zero and Scorpion.

That's all I really got right now in the way of thoughts. More to come.

Transhuman: A Short Story

1.

“I’m not going to lie,” the wild-eyed technophile warned, “this is gonna hurt.”

Those were the last words I heard as a human being. He plunged the needle into my neck. I felt the cold fluid invade my blood. My muscles tightened and stuck me in place. No pain yet. My senses began to grow dull and unreliable. The color of rust, the white sheet, the strange metallic instruments all churned into darkness. There was no way of knowing how long the droll state lasted. I remember wondering if the freak was just going to fuck me over just before the foggy cloak fully drew over my perception.

The pain snapped me back into consciousness as if I were thrown into a pool of Arctic water. It splintered throughout my body and every part of my frail, human vessel screamed an agonizing song. There’s hardly anything to compare it to. Imagine the worst headache you ever had and every tendon in your body on the verge of snapping. Oh, and suppose your skin was also boiling off of your bones. Remember those old stories about Hell that your parents used to scare you with? Kind of like that.

But then it was gone. Instantly. That was the precise moment I ceased to be a man, so I'm told.

“Okay, kid,” the freakshow said, “how about I do your cute little punk ass a favor. One mod on the house.”

A Glasgow-smile crept across my face. I was going to have to wait over a week to have enough money to afford one. I tried my best not to act too excited though on the inside I was squirming.

“I appreciate it,” I replied.

He took me up to a green cabinet that hung on the wall furthest from the door and keyed in five digits on an analog keypad. It opened with a satisfying click by itself.

“Good place to start,” stated the freakshow as he turned to me and curled up his arm to show a bicep, “is with muscle, don’t ya think?” I nodded. He pulled down a gray container and opened it up. It’s hard to describe how I felt at the time. Excitement ebbed inside a sea of apprehension, tossing about flotsam of doubt as it violently crashed against the rocky shores of expectations and lapped up to the feet of my peers and superiors. Or something like that.

I winced and it was over. I felt the paralyzing feeling again but it quickly subsided as sensation crawled over my skin like a thousand tiny ants. There was no pain, soreness, or fatigue. I sprung up from the table and walked over to the large, dirty mirror in the corner and stared at my figure. I didn’t look any different. It was still me for the most part. Roughly 85 percent I guess.

I thanked the freakshow and left. Once outside his little rundown hideaway, I began to run. I was much faster. I sprinted through the brick corridors of the Old City with no regard to direction. The Old City was dark, moss-laden, and the permanent home of underground modders, the derelict, and all manner of unsavory characters. Not to mention the beasts and monsters that called it home, sweet home as well. It was tiny patches of civilization spread thin across a 20th century metropolis like a some dirty mucous membrane. Crumbling skyscrapers, fast food restaurants, and massive neon signs served as the only reminder that this place was once civilized. Humanity had forsaken this place.

The bygone city did have one thing to offer you: freedom from the watchful, infiltrating eye of modern civilization: all those cameras and sensors 'round the city probing at every chance. A little danger isn’t a steep price to pay for liberty and the land-of-do-as-you-please. Like in that comic book where the masked man that wanted to blow up Parliament over in the UK. ‘Course it was just England back then I guess. I’m not sure. The government had too much control and was corrupt and all. Feels like it’s the same way here now but not as bad since people aren’t disappearing in the middle of the night far as I know.

Anyway, I’d just read about that kind of freedom and I was kind of feeling it now. It was intoxicating. It was an incomprehensible idea you heard the intellectuals musing on for hours down in the New Senate. How much was enough? Was there such a thing as enough? As I tore through the labyrinth of the the lost city, propelled by legs that could barely feel fatigue, I couldn't fathom an end to it.

The wind against my face was cool and inviting like those pictures of mountain streams in the school archives. I leaped over an approaching wall and clumsily smashed into another one upon landing. It turns out grace isn’t something you can just fix with technology. I felt like that spider kid from the comics: like right when he was starting out.

I ran for a full two hours around the city, trying to run across upright walls, seeing how far I could jump (a few car lengths), and other amateurish acrobatic feats until the most remote feelings of tiredness began to sneak into my body. I glanced at my mobile: it was nearly three in the morning. I guess I had to go home.

2.

Dad’s gonna be pissed.

Y’know, I don’t have to tell them. It’s not like I look any different. Most people, including my folks, have this idea about what a person should be. They see all the modders and technophiles as evil sub humans. It's just simple prejudice I guess. It will probably pass with time just like the civil rights movement we read about in History.

I walked into the front door of the apartment and was relieved to see the Holo was turned off. I tried not to kick the spare computer parts that were sitting at the top of the steps like I did the night before. I made my way to my room as quietly as I could.

“ Do you know,” came dad’s stern voice from behind his door, “what time it is?”

“Yeah,” I groaned.

“Get in the bed. Nobody who was ever anything slept ‘til two in the afternoon,” he continued.

“I know, dad.”

I shut my door and stripped off my clothes. I didn’t really feel like sleeping but I figured I should try. I need to be on dad’s best side possible for the next few weeks just in case he gets wise to what I’ve done.

I gingerly placed the old comic books that were laying on my bed onto the night stand. I really like comic books: all different kinds. I like the classic super hero ones with the masks and capes. I like the amateur ones on the web that people just publish themselves. I like the less mainstream comics with the realistic stories. I even like the Japanese ones. They’re called manga but you can still call them comics if you want. Some people don’t like to though. Anyway, they're a lot more serious than people think. Most people think comics are just kids stuff but a lot of the stories are really mature. There's also an interplay of words and images that's so unique. It's different from the stuff on the Holo. I drifted off to sleep thinking about it.

I woke up the next morning pretty early all things considered. Ten AM wasn't bad for me. Dad had left a note for me to go to the grocery store and get some things for dinner and all so I drove out to the grocery store downtown. Oh Christ, it was Sunday. I hate Sundays.

So I was walking into the store and I saw this girl. She was wearing her Sunday clothes and had probably just left church. It was a nice dress actually: white with some sort of floral print. I don’t bother with any of that church and soul stuff. Dad doesn’t really either. Well, I guess he does in his own way. He doesn’t go to any churches or anything but I guess it’s more of a tradition thing for him which I guess is okay. So anyway, she looked at me then looked away real fast because our eyes met. I did too. We did it again before she passed me. I wonder why she looked that second time. Was it out of admiration or disgust? Probably the latter. I didn’t look that nice. I didn’t wash my hair that morning so my hair was kind of greasy. I don’t know why I was thinking about it because she wasn’t that attractive. Well, she was pretty and all but not exactly a supermodel. I guess it was that look of incredulity on her face like she couldn’t believe it was Sunday and I wasn’t dressed nice of coming from church. Fine by me I guess. People like that are usually pretty dull anyway.

The grocery store was uneventful. I grabbed some vegetables and some steaks and bought them with dad’s card; he had left it downstairs with the note. I had to go back in because I forgot to get his beer. Dad liked beer. He drank it like most people would drink soda I guess. He hardly ever got drunk though.

As I was walking outside, I heard a commotion somewhere off to the distance. It sounded innocent enough. I figured it was one of those minor accidents that tend to happen in parking lots. So I pretty much tuned it out completely until I reached my car and started digging in my pockets for my keycard. Someone started screaming right around that time and it scared the hell out of me.

I looked over to where the noise was coming from. It was the girl in the pretty dress. She was disappearing behind three black shapes that were probably muggers. My heart started racing. It was definitely fear, but there was something else in there too.

I ran over to where she was standing before she was engulfed. I tried to think of something to say.

“Hey get off of her!” I shouted.

Two of the shapes looked up. The third continued to restrain the girl in the dress. They were all wearing black hats, solid black turtlenecks, and similarly colored pants and boots. The boots looked heavy. They were also definitely human males. For split second I thought they could have been monsters, as absurd as that sounds.

“What's it to you, punk?” one of men grimaced.

“You're hurting her,” I replied. “Stop it.”

The one who had spoken to me stood up and looked me over. He didn't laugh or anything but I knew he thought I was a fool. I didn't look that threatening and, of course, there was only one of me and three of them. He smiled. I would've grinned too if I wasn't so goddamned scared. I knew they probably couldn't hurt me or anything but it's not like I had ever been in a fight. I'd seen plenty of kung fu movies and read plenty of comic books though. I'm sure I could improvise something.

The first punch caught me right in the nose. It didn't really hurt but I could feel the blood pouring into my mouth and running down my chin. He looked pretty shocked that I didn't fall down or even really react to him attacking me. He threw a second punch but I moved to the side and threw one of my own about as hard as I could throw it. It struck the side of his head and sent him toppling over. I nearly fell over on top of him from the momentum. The other man in black kicked me in the side as I was getting my footing back. I ignored it and answered with another wild punch. It struck him in the cheek but he remained standing. A push kick sealed the deal and he collapsed onto the pavement next to the last man in black and the girl in the pretty dress. She managed to roll over and look up to me. Her makeup was running all over her face and she wore an expression of mixed anguish and relief.

The third man was on his feet. I didn't notice because I was watching the girl in the dress. He produced a pistol from his back and pulled the hammer back. The girl started screaming again.

“Fuck,” I muttered.

I ran towards him as hard as I could. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I wasn't sure if my enhanced muscles would stop the bullets. I knew that it would be impossible to dodge the bullets. I was at least ten feet away so at least one or two would hit me. I hoped it wouldn't hurt as bad as the broken nose. My perception of pain seemed to be dulled, but what if he hit me in the head? That would still kill me probably.

The first bullet hit me in the left shoulder. It hurt, but less than the nose. The second grazed my cheek, taking a bit of my face with it. The third missed completely.

I struck him with my whole body: shoulder first. He dropped the gun from the force of the blow. It was like a truck running over a carton of milk. I nearly folded him over. I wasn't finished though. I wanted him to remember me. I picked the low life up and rammed him into a nearby car causing it to slide across the lot as I pushed. I could feel his lungs attempt to draw breath... I was crushing his internal organs. I pushed for a good seven seconds before I stopped and let his limp body fall to the ground like a ragdoll. He wasn't dead, but I'm sure he was in the worst pain of his life.

3.

The blood from my nose and gunshot wounds was coming down like waterfalls. I covered them up with my hands and made my way back to the girl in the dress. She had sat up but was obviously still in shock. She had started crying again. She wiped her eyes and made eye contact with me for the fourth time that day.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said through the sniffling. “Thank you so much. I don't know what they would've done to me.”

“It's okay,” I returned. “Go home and be with your family.”

She nodded and rose to her feet. Despite her dress being torn and her makeup all runny she still looked pretty. She quickly kissed me on the cheek and disappeared into the lot. The gunshots and commotion had attracted a small crowd that snapped pictures of me and clapped as I walked towards my car. Two of them approached me and asked if I was okay and if I needed to go to the hospital. I declined saying I was okay and I could drive myself. I heard someone in the crowd shout “hero”.

Suddenly the full gravity of my situation dawned on me. Mom and Dad are going to find out.

My visit to the hospital was fairly brief. They were even ready for my arrival, greeting me at the emergency door with applause. They quickly closed my wounds and set my nose. All the doctors and nurses congratulated me and told me I did a fine job. I was on my way back home within forty-five minutes.

The road home was a long one. I was filled with conflicting emotions. I'm sure my parents had saw everything. There were cameras everywhere. The people at the hospital already knew. I know what I did was good, but they won't see it that way. They'll see me as subversive and deviant. They'll see me as a corrupted being. I'm no longer pure even though for once in my life I acted selflessly.

I pulled into the car bay and stepped through the door into my house. Dad was sitting in his chair and turned to face me. He stared at me like I killed his fucking mother or something. I finally broke the silence.

“What?”

“What's wrong with you?” He snapped.

“Nothing, Dad.”

“I saw you all over the Holo. You're one of those freaks, aren't you?”

“Freaks?” That hurt me. “I saved a girl's life.”

“So? You're one of those techno freaks aren't you? Huh? Are you?!” He shouted. I could feel his rage growing. It pricked at my skin like wool.

“I guess I am Dad,” I sighed. “But why do you care? Did you see what I did? Everyone was cheering and telling me I did a good thing,” I paused. “I really did.”

“It doesn't matter. You're unclean,” he said as he turned away from me. “I don't want to see you right now... go to your room. Your mother is on her way over.”

“I'm a fucking hero Dad,” I asserted. “A fucking hero. And I don't care if you shun me or tell me I'm unclean.”

Dad was silent. He refused to look at me. It was like he pitied me like one might pity a one of those wretched monsters that lived in the Old City.

“I'm not going to my room,” I strained through gritted teeth. “I'm leaving.”

Still he wouldn't face me. I wondered how long he stood there before he realized that I was gone.

Transhuman by Jon Chrisawn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at werejohnny.blogspot.com.

Surprise! PS2 Classics?

In lieu of seemingly nothing (although that may just be me being out of the loop so long), Sony has released several PS2 games for download. Much like their pretty sizable library of PSone Classics, these are billed as PS2 classics:

• God Hand
• Odin Sphere
• Maximo: Ghosts to Glory
• Odin Sphere
• GrimGrimoire

Certainly a diverse list. I was especially pleased to see God Hand among them: 

Not exactly a cheap game. The others on the list can be found for right around 10 bucks used on Amazon.com though new copies of Ring of Red are listed as around $80. The PSN version will run you $9.99. Not bad!

This seems to be a good move for Sony since they canned PS2 emulation a while back. Originally I was going to write this article about how Sony, as much as I love them, seem to arrive late on a lot of things. However, I didn't necessarily consider sales of PS2 games and not to mention a booming aftermarket.

Hopefully we'll see more PS2 titles in the future! Sony's PSone Classic library is a strong one complete with critical darlings like Vagrant Story and blockbuster titles like Final Fantasy VII. I think we'd all like to see a similar library of PS2 gems! 

Being a human being, a review

Clothes: invented by people.

Homo sapiens: man, the wise. The current dominant species on the planet. Top of the food chain and sometimes on top of the mountains in the case of Mt. Everest climbers. So, how are we doing as a species? Instead of reviewing something trifling like a book or a video game, today I'm reviewing the entire of humanity. I'm calling that "how's my driving?" number on the back of our collective asses.

1.) Population and the planet.

"The last tenet was a bit unruly at times..."

At last count, there's over 6 billion people in the world. To put that in perspective, there's around a quadrillion ants in the world. "That's a lot of fucking ants" as my brother said when he asked what a quadrillion was. See, we're outnumbered greatly by a lot of insects which, to anyone who has seen any science fiction ever, is pretty disturbing. And, at the rate that we're destroying our lovely blue-green home with pollution and other things, the fiction of mutated killer insects may become fact. Turns out, humans are fairly poor house-keepers. When that gigantic meteor signed the dinosaurs eviction notice, it didn't give them enough time to tell us how to take care of the place. So we've, understandably, had a bit of hard time figuring out how to turn the washer on and off on our own with no instructions. Most guys can't remember to put the lid down on the toilet, much less remember not to dump toxic waste in the local water supply. But alas, we do the best we can and did create waste management institutions and organizations like the EPA so I'm going to give us a C- there. I should also point out that the fact that we have managed to avoid nuclear holocaust thus far raises that a whole letter grade.

2.) Survival skills, social behavior, and empathy.

"...just not the poor people. They have no money."

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say survival is probably your #1 goal. It would seem that the days of hunting on the forest floor to feed your family is over. Now, we navigate a different jungle and face different predators: like being embarrassed in public over your receding hairline or having to wait in line at the DMV. You know, the real problems that affect our lives. We no longer have to take down a gazelle with a do-it-yourself bow and arrow. We can just drive up to a strangely shaped building and trade some paper with funny pictures on it for food. The stress from being drunk-dialed by your ex at two in the morning when you're trying to get rest for work tomorrow certainly at least matches the stress of being stalked by large jungle cats for days. We became so successful as a species because we formed groups and worked together. However, that brought its own problems. All the little groups decide that they were the best and the others should be dead. Y'know, ethnic cleansing: a national pastime in some African nations...

"You were born to the people that the largest mob and/or government has deemed unclean? Well, sorry I guess I have to kill you. But don't worry, my friends and I will be sure to rape your wife a couple hundred times before you go as a courtesy. Thanks for being born in Sudan! Come again, please."

Think of the last argument you had... what was it over? A TV show? a brand? We all know that McDonald's burgers are so much better than Burger King's. Duh. What, you don't agree? Then fuck you, asshole! Get out of my house! Hey, by the way, do you know how many people starve to death every day? About 13 thousand. A day. Did you enjoy your five meals today? Two of which were prepared for you and put into their own special little containers? There are segments of the population who hate people they've never met because of their race... something you have zero control over. For being selfish children that know how to operates guns our entire lives, we get a D-

3.) Conclusion:

"I've never met you, but I hate you."

The problem with society is not the individual but the people. You can get a group of a hundred people to do what you couldn't ever convince an individual to do. We are hardwired to submit to the mob. It's a survival skill that was necessary to get us this far. However, we discovered the AK-47 before we figured out how to love one another. It's foolish to think that we can completely deny our biology. Ask the Reverend Ted Haggard, a mega-church preacher who got caught up in a gay-sex scandal. Recently, he admitted to being bisexual. You just can't fight some things. I joked about Africa earlier being such a terrible place but why do you think that is? A willingness to submit and go with the flow coupled with the extreme greed and hatred of a few charismatic men. There's a lot of different movements and charitable work going on right now all over the world and that's great... I fully support anyone who wants to dedicate their lives to helping others. I have one question, though: why can't we end hatred, poverty, and oppression here? People nearly starve to death in the richest nation on the planet. Have you thought of how sad that is? Has the thought ever even crossed your mind? Another example: If you're against gay marriage, are you aware that if it were completely legal everywhere in the United States it would have zero effect on your life? What exactly is your stake in this? I have some speculations. It's another way to force your so-called "morality" onto other people and have them live their lives as you dictate. Is it some sort of power-trip? Sounds like it. In some cases, maybe it's just simple, primal hatred. And, of course, tradition and by proxy religion plays a role. It's always been done this way so why change it? Bob Dylan sang "The Times They Are A-Changin'" because he recognized that things actually were changing. We defeated state-sponsored segregation, we had the sexual revolution and our society was drastically changed for the better much to the initial dismay of a lot of folk across the country who cleaved to those old values and old ways of thinking. Society evolves. Attitudes, taboos, and mores change with new generations, technology and ideas and people need to understand this.

It is true that we will probably never defeat the violence in our souls and that, somewhere in the world, there will always be cruelty, death, and injustice. You're not going to defeat human nature. What you can do is be the best damn person you can be and seek your own happiness. I'm probably just going to live out my life, be as happy as possible, and remain apathetic to the overall plight of my species. Humanity gets a D.

Uncovered Documents Reveal that George Soros-funded Leftist Group thinks 'tits' are 'really nice'

WASHINGTON--Freelance Journalist William Muckraker published on his personal website today documents linking a known left-leaning organization, with ties to billionaire liberal businessman George Soros, to comments made about "tits", otherwise known as "boobies".

The papers indicate strongly that almost all of the organizations employees found "boobies" to be "quite pleasing" and some even went as far as saying they were "probably one of the best things ever."

A recent Reuters poll indicated that about 65% of Americans feel favorably about the human female breast.

Critics of the leftist group claim that their embracing of boobies invites too much government control.

 "This is shocking. Radical leftists across the world are moving in unison to embrace the so-called 'boobies'" said Matt Richards, founder of Planet Web Hourly. "These liberals want to control "boobies" under the guise of freedom and impose strict government regulations on them."

Muckraker also discovered that the leftist group has made a $50 donation to President Obama's current re-election bid. 

"When you follow the money you also discovered that the President's Socialist regime is also involved," Richards continued. "If we allow this to continue, then you can kiss America as you know it goodbye. Yesterday it was the economy and healthcare, today it's the boobies and tomorrow it will be the rest of your freedoms."

The Obama administration declined to comment.

One Year Later...

On January 24, 2010, I posted this:

"America is the 90s was a complicated place for video games. It was a time of trivial censorship: such as the renaming of the "Holy" spell in Final Fantasy IV to "White" and the omission of any references to prayer. The Tower of Prayers became Tower of Wishes and Rosa lost her helpful "Pray" command altogether. Mortal Kombat and Doom were turning us all, allegedly, violent little monsters. If things like mentioning prayer in a video game was making peoples heads turn, then there was no way that the first part of Persona 2 (Innocent Sin) would have ever seen the light of day in America. The second chapter (Eternal Punishment) was released; but is so rare that it doesn't even count. But not all is lost..."

I went on to talk about a recently finished fan translation of Persona 2: Innocent Sin. I never checked out the fan translation because, when school started back, I basically forgot about it altogether.

However, on May 24 of this year... I came across this post on the PlayStation Blog: Lost Persona Chapter Persona 2: Innocent Sin Coming to PSP

What?

God, reach your hands down from the clouds and pinch my butt to make sure I'm dreaming! Finally my prayer got through.

I can wait to have a gay relationship and fight Adolf Hitler

Some Questions for Harold Camping

You knew it was coming.

We've had quite a lot of fun with the 2011 Rapture and I, personally, relished in the all the jokes and even participated actively. I am looking forward to the conclusion to this cultural moment in the coming days. However, I have some fairly serious (not at all) questions about the Rapture for Harold Camping. I look forward to his response (ain't gon' happen).

The Rapture is said to life up all the believers into the air to meet with Jesus. So, Mr. Camping...

1.) What about roofs? Say some guy is driving around in his truck when the Rapture occurs. The roof of the truck, being a solid object, would prevent the man inside from rising into the sky. Will the man just stick the ceiling of his truck until he manages to free himself? Will he be able to even is also a good question? Exactly how much force does God exert on a human body to lift one into the air? Will people simply smash into the ceilings of their homes and eventually be crushed into liquid? This is a serious public safety concern.

2.) What about oxygen deprivation/altitude sickness? Since the Bible doesn't seem to specify the precise height in which the Raptured will meet with Jesus, we can only guess (kind of like how you apparently threw a dart at the calendar to pick this day...) Jets that have lost cabin pressure are supposed to drop down to 10,000 feet so I guess that would be a good place to start. Or does God simply rain down high altitude breathing apparatuses for everyone?

3.) Since when can Jesus fly? I don't remember that part in the gospels. Is that what he's been up to since the Resurrection and ascent into Heaven? Honing his flight skills? Seems reasonable to me. I do feel that that would have been a more useful talent the first go around. Imagine Jesus showering the hungry with food from above. Also would have left zero doubt to the whole "Son of God" question. Either that or the son of Mary and an undisclosed avian third party.

4.) What about the rest of the world? What about the Muslims? Will they get serious dick envy when it turns out their prophet was dead wrong and the Christians were right all along? Do you forsee mass conversions? How will this affect peace in the Middle East? How will this affect oil prices? How will this affect how much one pays for a loaf of bread in China? What about the Jews? Do you hate Jews, Mr. Camping?

For more information see: "attention whore"

Just some very serious (not really) questions for a very serious man. And please don't get all butt-hurt. It's okay to step back and have a nice laugh about the attention-seeking clowns that share a faith with you. Jesus probably thinks all this Rapture nonsense is ridiculous too.